2003-03-07 - 6:08 pm
I've been spending too many weekends at home, cooped up in my bedroom with late night tv and the computer. The weather has been far too cold to venture out and school creates unwanted stress. Instead of going to Denny's or going for a drink, I stay home. I feel so boring.
Maybe this is why I have been spending so much time at school. Unconciously refusing to be alone by positioning myself in a public place where I am bound to find someone to spend time with. Being lonely isn't a joke anymore. Bored doesn't even begin to describe it. Sometimes I just feel so goddamned desperate and this weather isn't helping.
It's the combination of everything at once: school, homesickness, loneliness, hormones and a never ending winter. I'm wearing down. Even though I have always thought of myself as a winter person, I'm ready to call it quits. Give me a springtime thaw now.
I was on my way to meet up with the kids when Sam called to cancel just as I was unlocking the car. I'm glad she called before I was on the road because I may have gotten upset and terribly confused with deciding what to do instead. I am disappointed though because I haven't seen neither her or Andy in weeks and I had cleared this night free especially for being with them. It's alright though because I probably should be doing homework anyway.
After this happened I began to realize and understand what everyone means about how school will consume your life. If I'm not doing projects for school, I'm home by myself doing my own projects. Rarely do I ever socialize out of school, rarely do I ever go out. This is like high school all over again - can you believe it? I've returned to the recluse I once was - God save us all.
Yeah, maybe this is why I've been spending so much time at school. If not to fullfill a desperate need for socialization but at least get myself away from the dungeon of my basement.
Blah. I'll whine myself into a depressive mood tonight if I keep this up. I'm going to watch a movie, eat some leftover pizza, and drink lemonade.
