2003-03-27 - 1:33 am
I've spent the majority of the evening trying to put together the flats for i'm in love again, #2. I think I've finally settled on something even though I've wasted so much paper. Good thing I'm a part of a pretty rigid recycling program (ie: recycle or die from guilt). At least I have the writing done, that has to count for something.
My attention has been so scattered lately, especially today. I'm in the middle of a shitty week, stricken with PMS and growling hormones. If I'm not about to cry, I'm about to hit something. It's a terrible feeling and although I know it will go away in a few days, I feel so helpless. I'm paranoid, anxious, and restless. What's worse is that I can't stop eating and I feel sick and heavy because of it. I have to force myself to drink water instead of gorging on bread and cookies because being hydrated will probably cure all my problems.
Goodness knows I don't need to any more unhealthy than I already am.
I haven't really spoken more than 10 words to anyone today. At school I came and left rather quickly, waving hello to some classmates but that was it. Even during class my attention wasn't there. I doodled on my paper, squirmed in my seat, and got pissed over how boring the lecture was. I walked back to my car which was parked at the mall a ten minute walk away. I turned up the volume on my MD player as loud as it could go without hurting my ears and walked with force in each step. I feel better when I'm walking, walking fast and fierce. I could have kept walking, made my way home in an hour or two but I have a habit of walking further than I can handle. I end up too tired to walk back.
So I've just been singing, really loudly I might add. Hem, Rilo Kiley, the Be Good Tanyas, Belle and Sebastian, Yo La Tengo, Sloan. Just getting things out. I know I can carry a tune but that's about it. Ten years in the choir only made it easier for me to sing along with the stereo; I'm good at blending in. At least I like to think I am.
I'm just trying to work through this as best I can without hurting anyone in the process. I have PMS from hell, if you didn't already know. It's not so much the cramps but my moods and emotional state. I get irritated easily, depressed, increasingly paranoid and terribly anxious. The worst is reaching this numb state when nothing matters at all. That's where I am right now. I could just curl up and not move for the rest of the week but instead I'm typing out furiously everything that comes to my head. A steady stream of conciousness is the only way I know how to tire myself out.
Soon I'll forget what my point is and just go to bed. Sort of like crying but without the mountain of Kleenex.
Tomorrow (or today, rather) is the fashion show at school. I know its going to be amazing. It might be the only thing that saves me this week (well, that and two Cosmopolitans). There is going to be a really great dance after the show, they've got a DJ (whose name I forget) and we're going to party until they kick us out. I'm hoping that Wednesday isn't tied up with volunteering because I'd really like to have someone to enjoy the show with. It's amazing how fast I've connected with that girl and how I don't feel like she's "just being polite" whenever I'm around her. There aren't many people I feel that way around, especially up here, so it's good that I've found her.
You'd swear I had this mad crush or something. Truth is, this is the first time I've really "clicked" with someone since Andy when I first moved here. I forgot how much I missed the whole "getting to know you" process.
It means more to me now especially since I feel so far away from everyone and everything. I miss my boyfriend, I miss my best friends. I haven't seen Austin since January and haven't really spent time with friends in over a month. Amanda's arrival at the end of April is well overdue. I need to have someone around me that shares a history with me (as she put it a few days ago). I need to be nostalgic with her and share private jokes. To talk with her and laugh.
Twenty-three days in St. John's is going to be worth it. Even if I'm flat broke, I don't care. To be with family, with friends, with familiar surroundings. I miss home so terribly. I would go back tonight if it were possible.
And I know things have changed and people have changed. I don't even know if some friends still live there or if they've moved. I've been gone for too long.
But now I've forgotten my entire point, as predicted earlier. I should call it a night.
