2003-03-29 - 3:51 pm
Truth is I could get into bed right now and not come out. I feel so incredibly sad.
I know it's just my period because I have no real reason to feel this way. On my way to school yesterday morning I could feel my body getting heavier and sinking into the driver's seat. I hate it when I can feel the mood setting in because there isn't a single thing I can do to stop it. I'm doomed.
Last night I snapped out of it for a little while. Austin and I played online games and talked nonsense for a few hours. That was good. Although, as soon as I woke up this morning I knew I wasn't going to fair very well for the rest of the day. I'm pushing through it though; I'm trying my best.
If someone so much as looks at me the wrong way today I may a) start screaming or b) fall on the floor in a heap of sobs. All these stupid things that bother me, all these stupid selfish things. Burping, no signal lights, overhearing conversation, not clicking in as well as I used to. I shouldn't have gone anywhere today. I should have just gone out by myself instead of drinking my beer too fast and not feeling a damn thing.
I've written a lot the last few days, nothing that has been saved or posted anywhere. Stream of conciousness shit that I'm too embarassed to let anyone see. I have such a hard time admitting things and when I finally do I'm too scared to let anyone know. Seems the moment I say it out loud the less important it is. Like it doesn't even matter.
Maybe someday I'll just scream everything out and screw consequences. Quit worrying about feelings being hurt and friendships being tarnished. But I'm not there yet, I still care too much about reaction.
I'm going to a play tonight with Dad and I'll try my hardest to enjoy myself. In the meantime I'll continue to try to put my zine together. If I do anything this weekend, it will be getting those flats completed. I'm sick of staring at this shit and not knowing what to do with it.
(If you talk to me at all this weekend, be patient. Really, I could snap at any moment.)
