2003-04-03 - 9:52 am
I usually wake up level-headed. All the shit that happened yesterday suddenly makes sense and I can look at it analytically with a logical mind. I feel horrible for acting like a such a wacko but there isn't a whole lot I can do about it now. Thank goodness for a boyfriend who knows how to ignore me at the right times.
Lately, I think I've been trying to find something to be mad at. Exaggerating my feelings for the sake of getting energy out. I've picked on personal things, getting frustrated and pissed off at them instead of just gently annoyed. I look back at my reactions last night and they make more sense now: I want attention. That's what this is all about and I couldn't feel more embarassed by my self-centered behaviour.
Feeling detached from everything, especially from friends, has caused me to react in dumb irrational ways. Picking apart personalities, getting angry at conversation, and getting even more annoyed with issues that have nothing to do with me. I realize how dumb it is now and I'm so glad that for the most part I have kept a lot of it as crazed internal conversations with myself instead of confrontational arguments that could have gotten me in real trouble.
Ultimately I think too damn much, especially when I'm left alone. I'm my own worst enemy in that regard. I need to knit more, run more, and drink more. Most of all I have to stop being so damn sensitive and introspective because the world doesn't revolve around me.
In conclusion to this slightly obscured confession, if I've said anything to anyone that seemed kind of non-Suzen-like, I apologize. PMS is a stupid thing. Being cooped up in a bedroom is even more dumb. Don't take much of anything I say too seriously because half the time I'm talking out of my ass, hyped up on hormones and stress.
And we all know how rational I am when I'm like that. Heh.
Anyway. Now that I've gotten that out of the way I will make a list of all the things that must get done today.
• Must shower
• Take the dog for a walk
• Cut up canvas patches for printmaking tomorrow
• Go to the liquor store to get some booze
• Take photos of maquette and apron for exhibition catalogue and scan in other images. Resize and print it all
• Type up essays and didatic panel
• Bake more cookies! (but not before I get the booze. heh)
• Finish grey headscarf and start the other two
• Work on Art History flashcards and read through second article.
• Watch Friends and other mindless television shows.
Let's get this day started.
