2003-04-21 - 11:18 pm
I'm exhausted from a full day. It's just like summer and I'm a little upset with myself because I spent it inside but I guess that's what I get for needing money and choosing to work.
It was my second shift today and I moved through it mindlessly. I don't know what's going on with me lately, how out of it I have been. It's like things aren't registering at all; environments and situations, thoughts and conversation, they all wash over me like oil. I guess this is what it feels like to live in the moment, or whatever. I haven't been thinking too much about anything, except for when it gets so late at night and I have nothing to do but face my idiosyncrasies head on. It's a nice change from over-analyzing situations and daydreaming, like I feel more connected by being so disconnected.
I went to a potluck at a house hosted by some school friends. It was a great modest get-together. We ate lots of food and talked about food, summer, sex, school, and music. At one point we were all out on the front lawn sitting in a circle passing a joint around. At another point we were laying on a double-bed air mattress and I was scratching Kelly's back with a wooden spoon. Sarah and I made plans to meet up in Saskatoon if Austin and I decide to go through there this summer, and Kim and I traded e-mail addresses.
I left when the kitchen filled with pot smoke and my eyes got heavy. In a way it felt like high school because I'm still not accustomed to house parties. I've realized how much I don't really enjoy drinking and how I have no interest to smoke pot. Like I said to someone earlier tonight, I'm seriously two steps away from being completely straight-edge. Maybe it's different if I'm with my girlfriends, people I've known for years who I don't mind being drunk around because our energies feed off one another. I have security in Meg, Amanda, and Bekah that I haven't found with anyone else, not even Austin.
We're those girls you see stumbling down the street at 1am, hands around each other's waists and laughing in sync. We're the girls everyone look and scowl at because we're so close and it's exaggerated even more because of the alcohol.
Christ, I can't wait to go back home.
Right now, though, I'm exhausted and a little dehydrated. Curry, rice, bread, gingerbread cookies, and vegan chocolate cake—all without water to help it down. I feel like I could sleep for days.
Tomorrow is a doctor's appointment and hopefully an afternoon spent with Mom before she goes to Montreal on Wednesday, then I won't see her again for another month. I'm trying to convince her to stay, to forget about finishing that year of teaching and forget about St. John's and just stay here where she belongs. Things are so much better when she's around, I feel so much better when she's around.
Yea. Early morning ahead. I think I'll wear a dress to celebrate the green grass and the first sunburn of the year. Things are really good. Really.
