2003-05-11 - 6:26 pm
As I wrote in my paper journal earlier today, I have realized my extreme competitive nature. Usually sparked by jealousy and envy, it doesn't come out all that often but when it does I find myself scrambling desperately to prove something incredible, that I'm just as good if not better than whomever unintentionally caused my envy.
Maybe this is where my ego rears its ugly head and I become a little more self-involved than I already am (yeah, I know, it doesn't seem possible). Somehow I will find my identity threatened and become defensive. Next thing I know I am pulling all the stops until I'm on top again.
And all of this happens without the other party knowing. Yea, it's a little creepy but I see it now as a form of self motivation. Using my competitiveness to fuel projects like Mailorder Madness, zines, and all the handbags I've been creating, I am doing something constructive rather than destructive and I think that's a good thing. I mean I would rather be doing something about this jealousy over talent than sitting like a bump on a log feeling depressed and defeated because I'm too awesome for that. Plus, it would be a waste of my time and energy.
Hm. And I realize this seems a little sketchy, how I'm talking about it in a somewhat round-about way but it's the Internet afterall so I have my own version of self-censorship.
A friend from highschool left a message on my voicemail yesterday. I hadn't heard from her in two years and it was a bit of a shock to hear her voice. I called her when I got home and we talked for a while, catching up on each other's lives and exclaiming how much we missed and loved each other. It was a little funny and a bit like a repeat of three years ago but I didn't care. If I spent all my time dwelling on the faults of others I wouldn't have any desire to converse with mankind and would end up alone with three dogs and a parrot eating oatmeal.
She offered me her spare room when I come back to St. John's and I accepted. Although it has literally been years since we've been on talking terms, I have a feeling that nothing really has changed. In a weird way this is a huge comfort because I'm going to need some sort of familiarity when I get back home since I'm sure everything else will have changed.
Anyhow. I just recently stabbed myself with a needle while handsewing velcro and my whole hand is beginning to throb. Plus, I need some dinner. Rice and curry, anyone?
