2003-05-16 - 12:32 am
It's hard to imagine what things would be like if I didn't get a job so quickly after finishing the semester. I don't know what I would do if I had to spend every day like today: meandering about aimlessly and talking to a dog who always seems bored. Restlessness doesn't suit me at all. As mindless as my current occupation can be at least I'm out of the house pretending to be doing something. Just being away from the house is all I need to feel distracted and therefore good.
If you didn't know before now, I'm the type of person that needs to be doing something constantly. Sitting home all day today, staring blankly at fabric and distantly out the window has been torture. It's not that I mind being by myself because I love being alone but I love being alone while I'm doing things otherwise I just get lonely.
So, I've eaten two full meals and watched two season finales of my favourite Thursday night shows. I'm on my first and only glass of Coke for the night and I'm downloading August and Everything After, the Counting Crows album I can never get sick of (the original cd has acquired a number of scratches over the years and is pretty much unlistenable). I can remember singing along with Mr. Jones when I was still living in the house I grew up in and judging by the date of the album, that was 10 years ago meaning that I was 11 years old. Christ, I don't even remember being 11 years old.
It's funny how I don't really remember a lot of my childhood, just bits and pieces that are scattered around in small media bites. Every day I get reminded of something else that I had completely forgotten about and then I become confused because I'm not entirely sure if the memory was real or not. I was such an imaginative child, shy most of the time and played a lot by myself in my bedroom with a creepy amount of plush toys. The things I do remember, the happenings between friends and family, are so private that I'm afraid I may be the only one who remembers them, thus tricking myself into thinking that a lot of it never happened.
Hm. I realize that didn't make a whole lot of sense. Oh well.
I had told Carly last week when we were talking about memory that I have a hard time remembering conversational details, but instead I remember my surroundings. I still remember every inch of Jane Butler's house and how Karen Wiens had that gong in her hallway her parents brought back from their time in Indonesia. I remember the orange plastic stools that were in the Village Mall foodcourt before they renovated everything and the resturuant where I received a prize for some Father's Day competition that was where Bootlegger is in the Avalon Mall. I remember the long scarves hanging from the skylights in the shitty mall by my house and how cold Andrea Hewitt's basement was during that sleepover in elementary school.
I guess I remember a lot of things after all. I don't really remember relationships but the rooms all my relationships happened in. The colour of the walls where I made phone calls and the textures of the carpets. Maybe that was a sign that I would head into the visual arts, a sign I had neglected to see until now.
If I could, I would draw pictures of everything I can remember so I could show you exactly what I'm talking about. To make it more real because when I think back to it all now it is so seperate from who I currently am. It all feels like a movie I saw so long ago, distant but still very familiar.
As I'm writing this I'm having flashback after flashback and I can't seem to control where my mind is going. Jumping from elementary school to junior high and back again. Early memories that I hadn't thought about in years. I wish I could just crack open my mind and let you see what I mean. I wish, I wish, I wish..
This is a little strange, how I ended up becoming so nostalgic having started talking about stupid things in the beginning, but this is how my mind works. If you've ever held a conversation with me you probably understand this more than I do. I never sit in one place for too long—always seeing something shiny from the corner of my eye.
I can feel a zit coming out on my chin and I wish I hadn't drunk that glass of pop because this means another mild breakout (pop and coffee are the only things that do this to me). Conan is supposed to be good tonight and with any luck I'll be able to watch it with my boyfriend on the other end of the telephone but no sweat if that doesn't turn out (you wouldn't believe how good I've become at sucking it up and getting on with my life; things just continuously roll off my back).
Other news?
It's just roughly two weeks until one of my best friends arrives and I get to see her again for the first time in two years. I'm excited beyond words. The one thing I adore about all of my friends I've had since junior high school is that though years move on and circumstances change, our friendships pretty much remain the same they always were. If I didn't get to see Amanda for ten years (heaven forbid!) I know in my heart that we'd still be as close the minute we saw each other.
Yip.
And, yes, I realize I'm babbling but that's only because I have no one to talk to. Heh. So, I'll go now.
