2003-06-17 - 12:47 am
In the morning I have a doctor's appointment which I made a few months back. I'm so indifferent when it comes to seeing a physician, unlike a lot of people I know that will avoid clinics and hospitals altogether. I guess part of me is still that little girl starving for more attention than she deserves. In that regard, going to the doctor is being in a situation all about me, but most importantly someone will be listening to me. Plus, I don't know why, but going to the clinic makes me feel important because it seems like I have a schedule and a reason for my day.
Man, re-reading this makes me realize what a nerd I really am.
Anyway, tomorrow is my annual pelvic exam. I've had two so far, and there hasn't been any problems (aside from being told that my breasts are "detached" meaning that detecting breast cancer may be a little tough once I get older). What's weird is that I don't even feel uncomfortable laying down on that table, my feet in cold stirrups and my breasts slightly exposed. Even when my doctor rushes with the procedure and I jump from the cold instruments, it's like a completely normal experience. Like brushing my teeth or shaving my legs.
In reference to a slightly incoherent question I made in my last entry, I will talk to her about skipping my period and express my concerns with it. I'm sure she'll say the exact same thing everyone else has been telling me but I figure it's better to be told by a physician just so my conscience can be at ease. I'm also going to ask her about the faint feelings I've been having lately at work, where my legs start to shake and I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I've been diagnosing it as low blood sugar and have been sure to keep fruit in my bag whenever I feel a little weak which seems to help. Though, I'm terrified that all those negative diabetes tests I had as a kid are going to bite me in the ass. I wouldn't be able to handle a disease like that because remembering to take my vitamins every morning is already hard enough, I couldn't be trusted with insulin.
Part of me thinks that it's just the weather changing. I've always been a bit of a weakling during hot spells. I can remember in fifth grade when the summer was very hot and I would black out. Even now, ten years later, I catch my vision going black and my head becoming fuzzy if the room is too warm and I get up too fast. I guess it's something I've always dealt with.
Of course, maybe my jerkstore of a brother is right and my eating habits are to blame. Sure, I snapped at him for making such an unsupported statement (does he watch me make my meals every day? does he keep a tally? noooo.) but there probably is a lot of truth to it. Since becoming vegetarian in December, I have been a little worried that my health may suffer if I didn't round out my diet. I've tried very hard to increase my water intake, vegetable, fruit, and soy servings, and continue to take a multivitamin (with a high calcium dose), B12 and Vitamin C supplement every morning. Though, there are too many days when I only eat bread and maybe a cookie, downing it all with a huge glass of cranberry juice that causes my stomach to churn.
When Amanda was here she made the observation that I eat healthier than I did before, and possibly more healthy than a lot of our friends back home. I hadn't realized how moving to Calgary from living in St. John's would have such a dramatic impact on my dietary habits. Dad and I had a conversation about this before, how health-concious Calgary is compared to our North Atlantic home. In all my time here I can honestly say I have not seen someone noticeably obese, just hundreds of joggers and mall walkers. Whereas back home it's so normal to see such heavy people that you don't even notice. I'm sure there is an actual statistic out there to back up mine and my father's observations, but I'm a little too lazy to find it.
I worry about going back home in July and if I will still be able to maintain my eating habits without suffering through the severe cramping and indigestion I used to experience before I decided to give up meat, most dairy, caffiene and grease. Salads and rice will sustain me, I hope. Oh, and that mushroom thing Amanda said she'd make for me (which I'm drooling over right now at the thought).
Sometimes I wish food wasn't such a huge paticular thing in my life. I wish I could be like my mother or like Austin and just eat whatever is put in front of me. Then I wouldn't have such anxiety about going to dinner parties at other people's homes or wondering if they have a diary-free meat-free option on the menu at every resturuant that actually looks good. Though, I think I was destined from the start to be the person I am now with my strange and paticular eating habits—I did start refusing milk at three, after all.
