2003-10-03 - 11:28 pm
A few weeks ago my mom said to me, "Idle hands make the devil's work," and ever since I have been repeating it like a mantra. It's such a simple answer to a plague that has been lingering in my life since early adolescence. Maybe this is why I welcome heavy workloads and a chaotic lifestyle at this point in my life, because I can't handle myself when I'm bored. Too many things happen when I'm left alone.
The exzema is returning on my forearms. For a month now I haven't been able to stop scratching my skin, digging my nails so deep but receiving no relief. I'd like to submerge myself in milk, condition my skin back to a smooth and less irritated state, but I suppose that could be said for a lot of things in my life.
Art school is sucking me dry. My hormones are reacting even worse. The first month is over and I already feel like I need a vacation. Remind me why I'm in college again? Why am I putting myself through all of this when I could be taking an easier route with a more concrete conclusion? I'm only twenty-one and I already feel like I have no direction in my life.
A growing part of me has a dream of being a successful artist, putting work in exhibitions and feeling like I matter in a world that feels too big. I'd like to be an adult with feet firmly planted in the artworld, surrounded by friends who are just as opened minded as I like to think I am. I know that there are people out there that think and feel the same way I do, I'm just having a hard time tracking them down.
(Because menstrual art isn't that gross and drawing doesn't just mean 2D)
I'm ranting a little incoherently. My mind has been elsewhere for weeks now and I feel like my body has been taken over by automatic functions. Wake up, take the train, go to class, eat dinner, go to bed. Everything is so mechanical lately and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle an entire year of this. We'll see.
In the meantime I will dream about the love letters and surprise phone calls I never receive and ween myself back into a healthy existance.
